This is the question that is bothering me currently. Who cares? Who reads my blog? Who gives a inch of breathe to read about how I fare in my life and my goals? Who cares whether I complete my goals? I guess I might be using this excuse to give up on the 30-day challenge.
Yesterday was my day to slack off. The hormonal fuck-up going on inside of me intensified yesterday. I spent the day contemplating various ways to end my life, because well, who cares? I know there are some out there who do. But when one’s body and mind are in the state that mine are, ironically, it only makes matters worse know that someone cares. The levels of empathy I am capable of means that I can’t even think of suicide/death without thinking of the emotions my friends and family will feel knowing I’m gone. It’s not what makes me go on with life. It makes me postpone the moment of actual action. It makes me distance myself from those who care because in my head, it will make it easier to die to have fewer people at my ‘funeral’. (I use quotes to signify the metaphorical, and not a literal funeral.)
But there is also another reason I postpone. And this is the greater irony. I feel that those who are actually optimistic are more prone to depression, because reality fails them. Inspire of it all, of all the darkness, of all shit this world contains, there is still this vague kernel of hazy hope in the center of the muck. Maybe something better will ultimately happen. There may be some change in luck someday. So, I wait for that day.
And also, I care. I care to read my blog, I care whether I complete my goals, I care how I manage my life until I decide that there must be no more life. So, today too I am unable to fulfill a goal. My chosen goal was to get a bouquet for mom, since it is mother’s day, but I failed. My mom knows I intended to go out and get one for her. So, I will do this one randomly one day soon and surprise her.
Happy Mother’s Day, y’all! Whether you are a man or woman, parent of a human/animal/plant being, you have nurture in you, and therefore I hope you have a great day!